Reflecting

I have been spending a lot of time lately thinking...thinking about this, that, and the other. But mostly, thinking about me. And not in a selfish, all about me, sort of way- but really in a "I can be better" type of way.

Now, before you start thinking that I am walking around my house moping about what a failure I am, I want to assure you, that I am, in fact, not moping. Not anymore. I have done that for a LONG time. I have stood in front of the VERY stinking sink full of dishes, thinking that if I could just be better at keeping a clean house, then I could just be better at being a mom. I have cried over my insurmountable pile of laundry because my son is in the other room watching LOTS of tv so I can conquer it, because if I could just be better at staying on top of this every day, it wouldn't take an entire guilt ridden Curious George marathon to just get things to the point where I can look at them without getting a case of tacchycardia.

So there I was again, standing in front of a stinky sink. The feelings of failure started to creep into my mind, but then there was this voice in there, one that I haven't heard for a while that said to me, "You are not a dish washer. You are not good at keeping a clean home. That is not your talent. But you are NOT a failure, because you can be an amazing mom. You can be an amazing wife. It is possible to be those things while not being an amazing housekeeper."

I put down the sponge and we went to the park. I left my guilt at the door and my phone in the car. We crossed long monkey bars and conquered slides, Ian learned how to pump on the swing. I was a good mom for a couple of hours and I allowed myself to feel good.

That night I had a Relief Society activity, the speaker was very involved with those in attendance, and at one point she started asking people (and not rhetorically, she demanded a real answer), "What do you love to do?" I sat there, terrified that she would point to me next. I don't know what I love to do. I know what I love- my kids, my husband....but what do I love TO DO? I have no idea....I spend my time cleaning and cooking and wiping faces.  But then, again, this voice in my head said, "Laugh. You love to laugh." And I felt this warmness overcome me, a testament to the truth behind the words.  The speaker went on, saying that we love the things that we do, so that we can share them with others, so we can bless others.  It started to click, and then, like it was being spoken to me right inside my head, "You love to laugh. Share that. Bless others with your ability to laugh. Make them laugh when they feel like they can't. This is what I have given you, this is what you are here for."

I am so overwhelmed and grateful that I get to have such an amazing calling. I get to apply the medicine of laughter to my children's wounds. I get to lift their fallen chin, and wipe their tears, and smile at them so they know things aren't so bad. I get to have joy, I get to give joy.  I get to feel at peace with my grimy floor for now, because I wasn't sent here to make my floor shine, I was sent here to make every day shine. That is an amazing thing to me.

 And so, what am I supposed to be better at? Better at being me! Better at laughing- better at bringing joy to faces and places filled with sadness. I have spent so much time wondering what I will be, wondering who I really am underneath the Mommy- it has been such a relief to know that who I am, what I am, is happy.

I can easily say that I am happy about that.

Growing up, I went through several phases of things that I absolutely loved. I tend to either be obsessed with something, or not really care so much. These phases would come and go, and there really aren't very many things that I LOVED during my childhood that I continue to LOVE today.  However, I did bring one great love with me into adulthood: Harry Potter.

I know what you're thinking, "Sheesh what a nerd." Yes, it's true. I am a Harry Potter nerd through and through. (and apparently a poet)  And because of this, I could not have been more excited than I was a few weeks ago, as I cracked the very first Harry Potter book open to read it to the kids. Ahhhhhh....it was a delectable moment. Okay, actually, no it wasn't. Morgan kept asking what book it was, and I kept not telling her, dancing around the question, because I knew if she knew what it was before she was hooked, she wouldn't want me to read it anymore. And, true to form, as soon as I caved and told her it was Harry Potter she insisted I stop reading. But oh no, I wasn't gonna give up on my love that easily, nope, nope, nope. So I told her we would read it for 3 nights and if she still didn't want me to read it, we could stop. It didn't even take 3 pages :)

Since then, we blew through the first book in less than 10 days and are now about half way through the second book. Morgan and Ian pretty much always play Harry Potter together. Ian always has something sticking out of his pocket that is serving as his wand.

A couple of highlights from the minds of my babes:
  Ian: "Mom, I think the slytherins are slytherins because they slither. Like so they are slitherers. But really actually slytherins."

 Morgan (while pretending to be a professor at Hogwarts) : "Gryffindor, that will be 10 points awarded to you for fine work. Slytherin, you may go now, you are never good."

 Morgan spends a good amount of the time upset about the injustice in the Hogwarts teaching system. "The teachers NEVER listen to Harry! They always just make him be quiet so they can take points away when REALLY he wasn't even doing anything wrong!" She is currently holding a grudge against Dumbledore for leaving Harry with the Dursleys and she is holding out hope that he will be able to live with the Weasley's from now on :)

 Morgan is also phenomenal at guessing the plot line and twists in the story before they show up. I don't know how she does it, but so far, she has guessed about 90% of the things before they happen. I'd say that's a pretty good success rate for a 6 year old!

Ian pretty much perks up when there is talk about boogers, quidditch, or the word "muggle". Anytime I read that word, he screams at me to not call him a muggle. Apparently it's pretty bad :)

It has been so fun sharing something with them that I love so much. And, as you can see, I think they love it too :)

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love ya, Tomorrow, You're Only a DAY AWAY!

Betcha didn't see that one coming when you saw the title of this post. Booyah.

Eddy Family Hopelist

A while back, my closest friend here in St George received some devastating news. She learned that her 6 month old baby boy, Mathis, had a genetic disease that would inevitably take his life by the time he was 2 years old. I will always remember my visit over to Jackie's house on that day- she sat and she cried and she mourned over the life she would not get to have with her boy. I had no idea how to comfort her, but our Father in Heaven did. He sent her a strong prompting to create a "Hope List". A list of all the things that a person should experience in their life- a list for Mathis. In what would turn out to be the final 3 months of his life, they created beautiful memories together because Jackie and Dujuan gave him the best life he could have ever wished to experience. They encouraged others to make a hopelist and to learn from Mathis, to have a plan for our hopes and our dreams, to write them down, to accomplish them. After some time and thought, this is our family's hopelist that was inspired by Mathis- our dreams in print.

Happy Birthday Tanner!

Happy Birthday to my little boy! Tanner, you came around and my whole world lit up. From the first moment that you were born, you have been nothing but a smile on our faces. I didn't realize how much I needed you until you were here, and I am so thankful that Heavenly Father sent you to us a year ago!

You are so funny. Right now you get so excited about things- you purse your lips into a giant "o" shape and you just oooooooooo your little heart out. Sometimes, if something is exceptionally exciting, you throw your arms out to the side and shake your hands back and forth. That's what you do when Mom or Dad come home. We love it :)

You've just recently started laughing when other people laugh, because you understand that when other people laugh, that means something is funny so you should laugh too. You throw your head back and just giggle your face off. It makes everyone else laugh even harder.

It has been about a month since you started walking, but a couple of days ago you jumped. Just jumped in the kitchen. Like a crazy.

You are more independent than either of your siblings. You're happy to just sit and play by yourself sometimes, especially if you are trying to figure something out!

I remember sitting there, the day you were born, wondering what your personality would be like. I had never met a baby in my life that was as content and happy to just "be" like you were. I wondered how that would change as you got older. So far, you are still that boy. You still love every single aspect of life and you make everyone around you enjoy it more because you are there. 

I love you so much, Tanner! Happy Birthday!

Real Life

This is going to be one of those posts where I talk an awful lot, but I wanted it to be out there because in reality, this is the closest thing to a journal that I keep.

I've been a little sad lately. Sad, because I venture outside of my little bubble and find so many things in the world that cannot be classified as anything but that- sad. And I am not even talking about the horrific things you hear in the news, I'm just talking about things like today when the 12 year old neighbor girl came knocking at my door in a panic because she can't find her 6 year old sister. And she hadn't seen her for hours. The whole thing made me sick to my stomach, the little girl came home at dark so it ended alright, except when you consider that the mother hadn't been home at all since before her kids got off the bus and it gets dark here around 8....Or when you think that poor 12 year old is responsible for taking care of her younger brother and sister and that she has to carry that burden when she herself is just a child. It wasn't long after this incident that I found out that one of the kids that I see in and out of my house all week long, her mother was arrested last month because she was cooking meth in a shed out back. How do people do this? How do people's lives fall apart to the point where even the love for your child isn't enough to keep you around? I don't understand....it makes me sad. Really, genuinely, deep down inside of me sad.

I just want to scoop up this little girl the next time she comes over- I want her to know that parents love their children- I want her to know that home can be a happy place and I want her to know that if her house is a place that her poor 8 year old heart isn't happy in, she can find it here.  It was in the midst of this deep sadness that I have for the things going on so close to home that I felt a bit of peace because I am able to say  that while they are close to home, they are not at home.

I am so thankful to my husband, who works so much and is gone at school and work so often, so that I can stay at home with my babies. So that I am not in the position of ever leaving them at home, or even in the hands of someone else- because they need to feel that I love them. I am thankful for being raised in a family that taught me how important that is. I am thankful for being loved, so that I am able to know how to love.

My life is full and my children are safe, and clean, and fed, and loved. I don't know that they will understand how blessed they are because of those simple things for a very long time- and I hope it stays that way. I hope to be able to shield them from the pain that is out there for as long as I can, and I hope that when they do have to come into contact with it, they will always know they can come home and I will shield them from the cares of the world again and again.

Most of all, I am thankful that I myself know what a beautiful life I have been given. There is joy in every corner of it. My house may be messy, and my kids' faces very well might still have lunch on them at 3 in the afternoon, but we have the love that shields us from the pain around us- and that will always be my biggest blessing.

The Chronicles of the Neighbor Weirdness

We have new neighbors. They are snowbirds, meaning they only live down south here in St George for about 4 months of the year. And, let me tell ya, that is a GOOD thing, because THEY, my friends, are WEIRDOS.

I think they have lived here for maybe 2 weeks, and here are a couple of nosy neighbor pictures I have taken through the window on our front door that faces their house. Please, observe the oddity that lives next door:

Now, you may be saying, "Hey, give the old man a chance." Well friends, that is a chainsaw he is holding and we have landscapers. So, what do you think his plans are with that chainsaw? By all means, tell me your ideas, because I got nothin.

And then today Howie starts barking like he is going crazy, and I look outside and lo and behold, there is a cowboy just laying in the driveway. Just a random cowboy LAYING in the driveway.

I feel like now is the perfect time to say, "Curiouser, and curiouser"

But don't you worry your little hearts, I'll keep you updated on The Chronicles of the Neighbor Weirdness. This, at least, if nothing else would do the trick, will surely keep me blogging.