It didn't have anything to do with the kids- at first. But of course, as my day got worse, and my attitude changed, theirs did too.
I basically ended up ignoring them for most of the day while I sat around thinking about what in the world we are going to do. We took our truck into the mechanic because it was blowing white smoke- and several quotes later- we are looking at a $4500 repair. 4,500 Dollars. Like I said, I spent most of my day just caught in this in between place- the place that I go when I try to not think about something and then I just end up thinking about it entirely in a trance where everything else only half way gets done. Let's be honest, if 50% of the stuff around here that needed done today actually got done, then it's a miracle.
I turned into the mom who pushes her kids away from her legs with a "not now" while they are just begging for a little attention. And then there's the amazing little wonders that children turn into when they go past the begging and turn into terrors who will, under any circumstances, get your attention.
All day long I felt completely out of control and really quite angry. We did the right thing with our truck- we tried to sell it. When it didn't sell, we paid it off 2 years before the loan was up. We did the right thing- and now the truck we paid a ridiculous amount of money for in the first place, the vehicle that is supposed to be reliable- is costing us more than the neon did 5 years ago. We did everything right- this shouldn't happen. When we lost our house and were drowning in credit card debt, we paid them off and we clawed our way out of the gigantic hole of debt to keep that truck. And now it wants another $4500 dollars. I think angry might be a bit of an understatement when I say that's how I have felt all day.
About 20 minutes before Morgan's bedtime I decided to throw reason and responsibility out the window and go get some french fries because I thought (and apparently I have some sort of psychological need for food to make everything better) that I needed them. I loaded the kids up and as I was putting Morgan in the truck she started whining. Why? Because she likes to sit on the side of the car with the gas cap and she was sitting on that side, but she didn't sit on that side LAST TIME and now was a good time to have the breakdown about the injustice in the world since she didn't get to sit on that side before. I just couldn't handle it anymore. I have real problems here and she is crying about THAT? I slammed the door and almost went back into my house to just leave her out there because I couldn't handle any of it anymore.
I didn't do that though, I climbed into the car and apologized. I held her hand to help her stop crying because she was so afraid of me and my anger that she was literally sobbing. I felt horrible, much worse than before I slammed the door, and I just got so much more angry at our truck. At paying it off and then having this huge smothering bill put before us not even 2 weeks later. It isn't right. It isn't controllable. And it isn't fair.
And then I realized, that I was right. The truck isn't controllable. And no, I still don't think it's either right or fair. But I do know something that I have heard a million times and never really applied to my own life- my circumstances do not determine who I am.
I am a good mom. I am a good wife. I try my hardest to make the right decisions and when something like this comes up, I can control myself. I can't control the truck, and I can't control the cost of the stupid injectors or the fact that our truck lost it's value to consumers when everything in the economy went to crap. But that's the economy, and that's the truck....and this is me.
I have 2 beautiful children who deserve my time and affection. I have an amazing husband who works hard to keep me happy, and our children clothed and fed. He deserves to come home to a wife who acknowledges that and supports him as best as she can through times like these. I have the family I was born into, and the one I married into who care about me and who are generous and loving. I love to see my kids laugh. I love to read. I love to go on bike rides with my family. Just because this thing with the truck is happening to me, it doesn't make any of those things any less true.
I really hope this isn't a 4,500 dollar lesson that I had to learn. Hopefully we can figure out some way to make this easier to handle. But I am thankful for that moment of clarity that reminded me of who I really am.
And this girl, she doesn't let stuff like this get her down. :)
3 comments:
I'm glad you got to have that moment. I hate that you guys have that extra burden to figure out now, but if anybody can figure this one out it's you guys. You have come out of worse! Remember, you are getting things all figured out with school, sometimes opposition just when you are getting things figured out is a good indicator you are on the right path.
I'm am so sorry you have to deal with the truck! Car problems seriously stink and stress a person out. Your a great mom! Like RHulsey said, when your on the right path, everything wrong seems to happen...but you can do it!!!!
You are a great mommy, and I am super sorry you are having issues with the truck. I know how frustrating that can be when something that was going so good can be flipped upside down and you just have to ask why me. It's lame. It will work out though, and I know this is totally an Alex thing lol....but whenever I get stressed about money (which happens frequently!) he reminds me that it is "just money" and to just "take it as it comes" and "fretting about it wont change it so no sense in stressing about it". Easier said than done for sure. But just so ya know...I think you are a great mom =)keep yo head up sista. Love ya!
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