Reflecting

I have been spending a lot of time lately thinking...thinking about this, that, and the other. But mostly, thinking about me. And not in a selfish, all about me, sort of way- but really in a "I can be better" type of way.

Now, before you start thinking that I am walking around my house moping about what a failure I am, I want to assure you, that I am, in fact, not moping. Not anymore. I have done that for a LONG time. I have stood in front of the VERY stinking sink full of dishes, thinking that if I could just be better at keeping a clean house, then I could just be better at being a mom. I have cried over my insurmountable pile of laundry because my son is in the other room watching LOTS of tv so I can conquer it, because if I could just be better at staying on top of this every day, it wouldn't take an entire guilt ridden Curious George marathon to just get things to the point where I can look at them without getting a case of tacchycardia.

So there I was again, standing in front of a stinky sink. The feelings of failure started to creep into my mind, but then there was this voice in there, one that I haven't heard for a while that said to me, "You are not a dish washer. You are not good at keeping a clean home. That is not your talent. But you are NOT a failure, because you can be an amazing mom. You can be an amazing wife. It is possible to be those things while not being an amazing housekeeper."

I put down the sponge and we went to the park. I left my guilt at the door and my phone in the car. We crossed long monkey bars and conquered slides, Ian learned how to pump on the swing. I was a good mom for a couple of hours and I allowed myself to feel good.

That night I had a Relief Society activity, the speaker was very involved with those in attendance, and at one point she started asking people (and not rhetorically, she demanded a real answer), "What do you love to do?" I sat there, terrified that she would point to me next. I don't know what I love to do. I know what I love- my kids, my husband....but what do I love TO DO? I have no idea....I spend my time cleaning and cooking and wiping faces.  But then, again, this voice in my head said, "Laugh. You love to laugh." And I felt this warmness overcome me, a testament to the truth behind the words.  The speaker went on, saying that we love the things that we do, so that we can share them with others, so we can bless others.  It started to click, and then, like it was being spoken to me right inside my head, "You love to laugh. Share that. Bless others with your ability to laugh. Make them laugh when they feel like they can't. This is what I have given you, this is what you are here for."

I am so overwhelmed and grateful that I get to have such an amazing calling. I get to apply the medicine of laughter to my children's wounds. I get to lift their fallen chin, and wipe their tears, and smile at them so they know things aren't so bad. I get to have joy, I get to give joy.  I get to feel at peace with my grimy floor for now, because I wasn't sent here to make my floor shine, I was sent here to make every day shine. That is an amazing thing to me.

 And so, what am I supposed to be better at? Better at being me! Better at laughing- better at bringing joy to faces and places filled with sadness. I have spent so much time wondering what I will be, wondering who I really am underneath the Mommy- it has been such a relief to know that who I am, what I am, is happy.

I can easily say that I am happy about that.