Like I said in our last post, I am planning on going private, but, I just needed to put this out there before I do that because I need as much feedback on this one as possible. So please, PLEASE leave a comment even if you think your opinion may not matter, or that you have no advice!
Here was my day today:
This morning I woke up, showered and left the house to go help a friend move. That, went just fine. From there, Morgan and I loaded up and headed to an OB appointment. Morgan was cracking me up, she was talking to all the nurses saying things like, "Hey Lady, what you putting that on my mommy's arm for?" (the blood pressure cuff) I don't think a single woman in the place was not smiling at my daughter.
After that, I did not get anything resembling a smile from anyone ever again. Well, there was the one lady who stopped me and said, "You are doing so well. I had one son who was just like that, and you are really doing a remarkable job keeping your cool." What elicited this from a random woman in Walmart? Oh, I don't know, maybe it was just the MONSTER my daughter had turned into!
People isles away were turning just to avoid us. Here's the scene:
Just imagine one sound, because if you were in the Prescott walmart today, that's all you heard : Morgan's wailing. One continuous wail that changes in pitch, but never in volume. JUST LOUD. Oh wait, there was another sound, me. And here's what I'm saying, "Morgan if you would just sit down- you need to sit down now- This is your last chance." This is where the super scream comes into play because Morgan wouldn't sit down, and I "helped" her into a sitting position in the store. So now its not just wordless cries, its mingled with, "My mommy hurt me! Mommy you tell me no!!! Morgan is so so SAAAAAAAAAAAAD"
So, I continue doing my shopping, at lightning speed, and of course there are the looks. The looks as I am zooming by someone that say, "Can't you control that kid?" And sadly, the reason for this post, is that I am afraid I can't.
When we were in the store, I tried everything. I tried positive reinforcement, threats, following through with the threats, bribes (eek), flicking her mouth for her back talk....And still, I know there is one thing I didn't try. Spanking.
I just... uhhh...I just don't like it. Its not that I judge anybody else who does it, I just keep it in reserve. Morgan has been spanked twice. Once when she ran away in a parking lot and once when she took off into the street. So, basically, I try not to do it unless it is a situation that if repeated, could have a major repercussion.
Yet...the last few days she has run this house. When I do assert my authority over her, its a disaster. She goes to her room for a punishment and even as I am dragging her there, she is laughing. Once she's in there, she's singing Wheels on the Bus or something else that just floats to my ears as a taunt, "I'm happy in here, and I'm not learning a darn thing."
I guess my biggest problem with the whole spanking idea is that I do not want Morgan to obey out of fear. I don't want her to be good because, if she's not, she's ending up with a raw rear end. To put it as simply as I can, Fear is not an emotion from our Heavenly Father. I don't want to use it while I'm raising my kids, I would rather use love.
I was talking to a friend about this today, and she asked what was the worst thing when I got into trouble, and I remember it clearly. I hated disappointing my parents. The problem now though, is, Can a two year old really understand that concept? Can I really expect for my hugs and kisses to somehow produce a child who obeys? I mean, when I say it like that, it sounds absurd.
Ahhhhhh, this whole thing is rambling. I guess I am just looking for some advice and every body's views on discipline and what the heck I should do next.
10 comments:
I sit here and Sigh...We have obeying issues with Charlotte as well. Is it the age? Or do we let our first born daughters get a way with so much. Charlotte tells me, "Mommy you hurt my feelings!" Melt my heart. I dont know what to do either. We use the same forms of punishment you do. Spanking doesnt work but make me angry that I spanked and makes Char cry. One thing that does work is changing the subject, saying oh my look at that. Getting her to focus on something else (when she is throwing a fit) as for the obeying...Im with ya sister! (now i am babbling...lol)good luck and let me know what you find!
brytani, you are NOT ALONE!! every child (mostly girls!) goes through a phase like this. i agree on the spanking issue, although i ahve had to use it with my daughter. i dont spank her hard, just a quick swat on the bottom. when she throws a tantrum, i lock her in her room. yes, they will end up playing and singing and not learning their lesson. but just leave her in there until she starts banging on the door, then sit down with her and talk the situation out. tell her what she did wrong, ask her if she is sorry. it takes a little while for them to grasp being "sorry" but they will figure it out.
now, when my daughter starts to throw a tantrum, i say " do you want to go to time out?" she'll scream NOO!!!! so i get down to her level, do what Desirae said, try to focus her on something else. get her to calm down, and then offer her an ultimatum. tell her she can do something productive like playing or reading a book, or she can go to time out until she is calmed. this is working so well for me right now!! she is getting SO MUCH BETTER. ignore the other people gawking at you- most people know exactly how you feel. AND ALSO, when she does well, make sure to give her praises and excitement, joy, and claps- make sure she knows she did well and that youre happy about it. makes them feel good.
as for when youre out in public, offer prizes or treats for good behavior. once they start to disobey, tell her she doesnt get the treat. it will work after some time! AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST... be patient!
This is really hard Bryt. Some kids spanking doesn't work at all. (Lolo) I think saving it for running in the street or parking lot is a good idea. However the rest is difficult. I have left many a store due to Lolo's screaming and fits. I remember a very embarassing night at a Target in Phx where the workers were actually following us with walkie talkies to make sure I wasn't abusing her. I just simply left, always follow through, even when you get a "I love to be in my room" response. Start to notice what she really likes and then take that away. Each kid is going to be different and will need different things taken away or techniques in discipline. Once you know what works use it! Never back down or show her you are giving up, that only aides in her fits. It is not easy and even though Lolo is better, we still have some whoppers at home. Stick to your guns you are a great mom and you will figure it out. Then when she yells "Mommy you are hurting me or you make me feel sad" let her know it makes you feel sad and hurt when she behaves that way. Hope this helps even a little and that you figure things out. Just remember this too shall pass, my kids were always worse at age 3 than the terrible 2's, maybe she is just now hitting all that. Let her know who is in charge. I love you and know you will survive!
Also, I agree with making sure you reinforce when she does good! Give rewards for good behavior not bad. That way she will eventually realize she gets things for being good and not bad. One last thing, I have always tried to not say "You are being a bad girl!" I try to say "This is what bad girls do, you are a good girl and need to act like one" Don't ever let her think she is a "bad" child.
WOW! Where to start... FIRST, please ignore what the lovely spectators in public do or say. Never let that influence the situation. I know it's hard.
I once took Emma, now 8, out of the basket, sat in the main aisle of Target, held her tight and just kept telling her I loved her. I was in tears. She clawed my face and neck and screamed and hollered away. I had many passer-bys and comments- people are just dumb. I'm thankful she doesn't behave this way any longer.
My dad has told me for years, that your hands are for loving, not hurting. There sometimes was a physical punishment growing up, but he never did with his hands. Not sure if another method, wooden spoon or what not, is any better. But I do agree with him.
Everyone is different. What works for one child really won't work at all for another.
I have used soap before... when my kids have gotten ugly and are behaving inappropriately with their tone and words, they need a cleaning. They've only each had it once. They know, when I remind them that it could potentially be the punishment and they don't like it. I use one drop and stick my finger in their mouth and swab it- bath and body works will smell all day ;)Friends have used hot sauce.
Reinforcements for good are necessary. Be firm and always follow through with what you say. Never threaten with something you will never do. Good luck!
Meghan was the second in our bunch, but she ran both the house and her brother's lives for years... (even the one that is 26 months older than her...) LOL... Some children feel a need to control their environment when they are very young... I don't have a clue what triggers that, still it happens in every family I've ever met... Fortunately it also seems like in most families this passes, eventually...
For us.. we played a LOT of reasoning games to teach Meg how to reason through her frustrations... And, by the time she was 4-5 she was a lot easier to reason "with"... but she was always as a child, and still is as a woman, a strong personality... honestly, that is a good thing most of the time...
I personally believe that strong children need to have their hearts encouraged in those strengths... But that may happen differently for different children... Finding the best way for Morgan to reason though her frustrations is the tricky part... but it is a blessing that she already has good communication skills... Meg did too...esshat
Sorry Bryt. I know you are a great mother and you'll find some why to figure this one out. I remember the feeling of someone laughing at you when you are trying to teach them a lesson. I used to sit on top of sam and beat the crap out of him and the whole time we would be laughing. I just wanted to punch him more:) Ha I hope someone has some advice for you.
You know my personal position with my kiddos!!! Daily I feel like I am climbing an up hill battle, but I think the thing that generally help our days go smoother are consistancy, finding things to praise and the tone of my own voice. I have learned the hard way that when I get upset about something Hunter has done, it only makes matters worse when I show how upset I am. I honestly feel that when he has thrown the worst tantrum the best thing that has worked for me is to simply not say a thing...I remove him from whatever the situation is and basically give him the silent treatment until he is ready to calm down and talk about it. Example: today at Kohls we were getting clothes for him (ideally it would be nice for him to be there so I could make sure they would fit) anyways, he was not having any of that. So I left my shopping cart in the middle of the boys section, hoisted the two boys up (one on each hip) and took them to the car. Connor got to play up front with the steering wheel while Hunter was strapped into his car seat. I tried to ignore his screaming the best I could until he settled down and was ready to talk about why we had to go to the car. The last thing I wanted to do was pick them both up and go back in the store, but he told me he was ready to act good and would listen, so we went back in, got our stuff and headed back out. There were a number of people who gaves us the "looks", but I think I got over that a while ago and could care less what anyone else thinks anymore.
I don't know if this helps, and trust me Morgan is a good little girl, she is probably just testing her boundaries!!! I wish you the best of luck and you better tell me if something works well, because I TOTALLY NEED IT!
Keep it up pal. You are doing a good job.
I was thinking of this last night...The passerby people and commentators. FORGET EM! I dont care what parents say, NO child is "perfect" and every single one has thrown a fit or cried out. Its unrealistic to think they have not. I had a mom at target appologize for her sons awful behavior. I said its ok we've all been there. the more stressed about it you are, the more they will feel and feed off of your stress.
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